doglover1984's Blog

Wow, i had spent a whole year on something that was pointless, for it to all fall apart like this. What went wrong? Who knows, but I supposed I should have known it wasn't gonna work, well I suppose I did have a bit of doubt that it wouldn't work, but I didnt wanna believe it and I wanted to ignore it, so I did ignore it. And look where it got me...nowhere. So here I am, having to start over somehow.

Will it always be the same? Will I never change? Yes, I know I'm messed up. Somedays I don't know what to do, somedays I do all i can do to get through the day. *sigh* I hate those days, i want to be able to just be happy and have a good time without thinking about it. I feel like crying right now and the reason? I don't really know. Why now? what happened that made me feel like this now? So frustrated with myself and its all my fault.

I wish I knew the answer to why I get so depressed at times, but I don't. It's bad enough becoming depressed as the day goes on, but even worse when you wake up feeling depressed and not even knowing why. I hate feeling depressed.

Inside I'm screaming and crying, outside i put on a front that make it seem i'm ok when in reality i'm not. The honest truth...I'm fucked up...

Extremely lonely and depressed....l thought l was past this stage in life, guess not!

I can't believe it's been ten years and I still haven't gotten anywhere with this...not really anyway. I still feel confused, yet more at the face that I am denying it. I don't know why I just can't just admit it and move on. Sorry for those of you who read this.

Why does depression hurt? I wonder if I'm ever going to get better. I don't even know why I can't get a check-up

Well, I was tired an hour ago, but now I'm not even the least bit tired, which is surprising since last night I only got about 2 1/2 hours of sleep. I guess it's true, when you got things on your mind, it keeps you up at night or at least it does me anyway. The bummer about this time of night is, most people are sleeping, so I'm left sitting here by myself which most times I don't mind it, but lately I just can't seem to shake this feeling I have. Can it even be possible to want something and at the same time be scared of wanting it? I guess when it always comes down to it, I'm chicken and miss out on so many things and later regret not having done it or gone there. I keep telling myself I won't miss the next chance, and yet I find a reason not to go to that too.

Okay, so my hair is on the short side, big deal, it's just hair. I told my sister when she asked about using the razor to trim the bottom, I told her she could, so then I said she could do the whole thing, well I asked her first about what she thought it would look like, she didn't really say much, and I didn't think it would get that short, and then my mom had didn't say a word, but had this look on her face, I still don't think she accepts that I'm lesbian. And besides, it's my hair, not hers, so what does it matter? And my hair grows pretty fast. I guess I just can't win. I don't know what to do anymore.

I never even heard of this site a month ago, but then everytime I googled something, it would take me here, so eventually, I joined. I'm not even sure why I did, I guess in order to read some of the stories, I had to be a member. This is a great site for being oneself. I find myself able to come "clean" on here when in real life, nobody really knows the real me, I don't lie, but it's like I keep to myself, I don't share anything, I just do what everyone else considers normal. On here, I can find others like me, or who support me that I haven't been able to find much of here, where I live. I'm starting to question if being on here is a good thing, I wish I could be more of myself in real life, like I am on here. I guess right now, I'm just so confused of what to do.

I know he's just a puppy, but he gets into everything. Of course my sister called me this morning, telling me she was going to be dropping the dogs off. They've only been here about an hour and that little one hasn't stopped getting into trouble. I have no problem with the other one. It's kind of funny because my sister told me, "oh, he'll play for a little bit and then sleep for two hours" Ha, there is no way he's going to just crash just like that. That may be how it works at her house with just the two dogs, but here since there are already four here, there is no way. Then maybe like five minutes after my sister drops her dogs off, my aunt brings her dog over for me to watch lol. Luckily the only one I really have to watch every minute is the pup. I just hope he grows out of that stage.

Update: He finally gave in and fell asleep around 2:30, so like 5 and a half hours later. It was like every time I looked away for a minute, he found something else to chew on.

My brain has been working overtime lately. For some reason, I can't get some things off my mind. I have so many questions I would like to ask, but don't want to sound stupid. The weird part is, everytime I hear the song, "reflection" I always think it fits me so very well. It's actually one of my favorite songs too. I can't believe I live in such a small town and have lived here all my life and don't really know anyone in this town. I got thinking about it earlier, and thought that if only I could text her or get a hold of her somehow. She was my best friend all through school and a year or so afterwords but then she got in the wrong crowd and I haven't seen or heard from her in such a long time, I don't even know where she lives anymore. I suppose I should try to get some sleep since it's just about 2:30 in the morning here.

First of all, I like the fact that on here I can be anonymous. I figure it might be easier to find friend with similar interests on here than it would be where I live. I live in such a small town that there is nothing around here that has any kind of clubs or anything. Also, it doesn't help that I tend to be the shy type. I mean once I get to know someone, I will open up more and won't be as shy. But me being shy doesn't help me make friends. And it seems all the friends I have made growing up have left either because they drifted away or just moved away. Most of the cases seemed they would always move away.